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Feb 12 2008

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Regaining Talent and Confidence

REGAINING TALENT AND CONFIDENCE
2/12/08

When I was seventeen I cut my left hand in an industrial accident. I was a good guitarist before the accident but lost most of the dexteriry in my left hand. Much of the dexterity returned gradually over many years. While I recooperated my greatest fear was that I would never be able to play guitar again. As the deep, red , scar healed, and faded my desire to play the guitar never faded. As soon as I took off the cast and bandages and was able to move a few of my fingers I tried to play guitar again.

It soon became apparent to me that I would never again regain the finger speed and dexterity I once had. I couldn’t play with my newly formed band, and they got a new guitarist. I became depressed and delirious on pain killers for six months. I struggled daily to relearn to play my guitar. I graduated high school a year later and went to college for a short while. By then I was able to play my guitar again to a level that was listenable. I wrote many songs based around the rhythms and chords I was able to play well. I performed solo at a few gatherings and was asked by the talent coordinator for the college talent show if I would play in the show. I asked the coordinator how big the crowd might be. She said it was usually a full house of five or six hundred students and faculty. I hadn’t played in front of a large crowd for several years, and when I did it was with a band. I had never played a large crowd solo. I felt I was too clumsy, and still had little command over several major chords. I improvised my finger picking, and was able to play a number of songs. However, I wasn’t confident enough of my recovered talents to perform before a large audience.

After great coaxing from several friends and the possibilty of winning five hundred dollars in prize money I agreed to do the talent show. When I accepted the organizer asked me if I would follow the opening act, which was a semi professional rock band made up of college seniors, and very popular group on campus. She had heard me play and thought I would be a good second act. I was flattered and unnerved at the same time. Most of the pressure is placed on the second act especially if the opening act is really good.

The show opened with the rock band that played a rousing three song set. They left the stage and the curtain closed and the set was changed to a single mic, and tall stool was placed in the middle of the stage. I was prepared and knew my lyrics. I selected three of my own songs that I knew well. The first was an instrumental guitar and harmonica tune, that had four simple chords but was played with a hard vigorous strum. As the curtain opened and I walked toward the microphone I looked out at the crowd. The auditorium was full with over 500 students and faculty. I began to get stage fright and tried to channel my anxiety into focusing on my first song. As the curtain opened I heard a deafening silence, until I looked out at the audience and said ” Hi. I got a few songs for you tonight, I hope you like ’em.” The audience politely applauded, and I nervously began to play. The stage lights were shut and a spot light turned on over my head. The entire auditorum was black and I could only see a few people in the front rows. I became disoriented but continued to play the song.

After I played the first chords the audience began to stir. My harmonica cried and rang out loud with a vicious single note, that ripped through the sound system. I could see Al , a tall blonde, bearded, long haired friend of mine standing in the aile near the stage, waving his arms and shouting with approval. My flagging guitar and ripping harmonica riffs seemed to explode the audience into spontaneous dance. It was great to see the audience react that way. I played that flagging beat with harmonica blazing instrumental for five minutes. I only remember the audience dancing as I blew a wild harmonica riff. I was in the zone and had no thought of my handicap at all.

I had reached out to the audience that night and the audience reached back in friendship and enthusiam. After I finished my three songs I was nearly unable to move the fingers in my left hand. Once I left the stage and the adrenilyn wore off, my hand ached , I couldn’t hold my guitar in that hand and my fingers throbed. I had played my heart and hand out for those three songs, but I couldn’t have played anymore. I barely got through the last song, which was a slow three chord ballad. Many years later I regained much of my dexterity. I never persued a professional musical career. I was content with the knowledge, that I could play some songs well enough. I realized that playing any extended period of time on a stage was out of my reach, and would take years of retraining if I were to ever play professionally, and even then it was still a long shot.

I had the opportunity to reach out to the world and play my own songs that night. To my amazement the world reached out to me that night, and sincerely thanked me for my effort. I was satisfied with my musical performance, and grateful I was able to give it. Two years later at another college I gave a one man concert to several hundred students, I played both guitar and piano and sang only my own songs. These are two great experiences I’ve shared with audiences that I enjoy reflecting upon.

L.A. STEEL

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