MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A BUSH GONE NEW YEAR
12/28/05
Well it’s time to make my New Year resolutions. I take a lot of time thinking about it every year. I ‘m not sure why since I break most of them by February. To be truthful I usually forget what they were by February. This year however I am only going to commit to one or maybe two resolutions and keep them in the forefront of my thoughts each day.
My first resolution is that I am going to try and be a better person. As I get older each year I get a little more worried about you know what. I don’t like to think about death but only a fool would ignore the inevitable. Aging is a complete and utter downer. No matter who you look at age has a definite effect on everyone. When I was a kid I would watch Jack Lalane. I’m sure many of my readers haven’t a clue who he is but Jack Lalane was Mr. Health. He had a Health show on television during the late 50’s and early 60’s. I recently saw him on an infomercial selling health juice or something. He was like a hundred years old and was swimming across a lake. He didn’t look as good as he did in the 60’s but the fact that he was still doing the breast stroke at his age was admirable. But that was Jack Lalane not L.A.Steel. I never could swim across a lake nor could I stomach all the health juices either. I was a strict vegetarian in my early twenties, made my own bread, ate nuts and berries, studied Kundalini Yoga, fasted, meditated and practiced advanced positions of the Kama Sutra and became downright impossible to live with, or so my first wife said. She may have been right but I felt very self righteous then and was the healthiest I’ve been in my life. Well after five years of being Mr. Clean and having stopped smoking, drinking and eating meat I finally broke my stride and fell into temptation. Yes folks temptation. Not Crack or heroin or insanity. No nothing so troubling or menacing, nothing as debilitating as those. I fell into complete and utter collapse of discipline by a simple, hell created, CUPCAKE.
This wasn’t your ordinary cupcake. I had for a long time learned to curb my obsession for sweets. I could turn away from any kind of confection previously created, until this new cupcake suddenly appeared in the grocery store freezer. That fatal day when I happen to walk into a major supermarket for a loaf of multigrain bread and plain yogurt, I saw these frozen cupcakes in the grocer’s freezer. Yellow cupcakes with multi flavored icing a six-pack to be exact. There was natural orange, natural strawberry, deep fudge chocolate, milk chocolate, coconut and natural vanilla . Many of my readers may know the name of the maker of these hellish creations, but I will not divulge the name for fear that some other poor , highly enlightened vegan may fall as I did.
I have long since lost my obsession to these cupcakes after several years of cravings and a weekly habit of six to twelve cupcakes a week, my favorite being natural strawberry. I was fortunate that no one could buy a six pack of just strawberry cupcakes, or I would have suffered far more by my gluttony. Even had I remained at only a six pack or two a week I could have broken my addiction down to a manageable six pack on the weekends, but these demonic cupcakes were a gateway confection to the world of confections that I had turned away from five years prior, and swore I would never return to. Upon my decent from vegan enlightenment into the sugar high of natural flavored icing, artificial additives and colorings I fell into a despair of indifference to my health and began to walk less, bicycle less, and on certain occasions indulge in my old vices of Jim Beam and Ale. I don’t know why I liked Ale, can’t stand the stuff now, but for some reason the smell of it was enough to sense I was going to suffer if I drank it. I never suffered drinking it, but subconsciously it worked and created the slight illusion of suffering with each bottle I drank.
Finally after ten years of failing to return to my ideal weight and vegan enlightenment, I stood on the bathroom scale of contentment and found I had gained a shameful amount of weight. What a complete and utter idiot I had become. What a fool to his own obsessions. I swore then and tried to keep my promise to myself that I would do all I could to return to my ideal weight. Like all resolutions that one seemed to fade into the sunset as well. But over time I resolved to accept a reasonable diet and decided to compromise with my weakened determination and my body, to reach a level of comfortable co- existence, a proper balance of virtue and vice.
As for the title of this article, in some way I’ve succeeded in achieving the goneness of G.W.Bush, by not mentioning him until now. Perhaps if the world would consider to not consider Bush at all in 2006, or his cronies my second resolution will be achieved ; that of G.W Bush becoming completely and totally irrelevant to the present and future existence of mankind. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
L.A. STEEL
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