How Small Are We?

HOW SMALL ARE WE?
2/27/07

When I was very young I would imagine myself as a giant when I played with my toy soldiers. I would move my toy soldiers around the battlefield floor of my bedroom. I would constantly change their positions and the terrain they fought on. Sometimes I would make them fight against an invisible alien, sometimes against my dog who would stick his nose in the middle of my battlefield. As a giant general I was invincible.

My smallness was apparent to me when my mother would stand over me, and tell me to clean up my room. I was well aware of my smallness, when I played in my backyard, and saw how tall the house was and how tall the trees were, and how far away the sky was or how high a bird could fly.

I sought ways of becoming taller by climbing trees. Sometimes I would lay on my back in the grass and look up into the sky. I would watch clouds pass by and imagine being in them or on top of them. I would imagine flying with birds and flying by myself anywhere I wanted to go. I would imagine myself thousands of feet tall.

My need to be taller became more urgent as I fought in the school yard against bigger and taller boys. I was no longer an invincible giant general ordering tiny, plastic, soldiers into battle. I was a small boy in real battles. It took several years and many defeats before I grew smart enough, and big enough, to successfully defend myself.

One afternoon after school I won a three boy battle caused by the unsolicited attentions I had received from the other two boy’s girlfriends. I walked away bruised, but undefeated. When I got home I went to my backyard and laid down in the grass and looked at the sky. Emboldened by my victory I wondered if I could touch the sky if I reached out far enough. I reached for the sun that was shining directly over me and held it in my hand. I reached for a cloud and held it between my right forefinger and thumb. I touched a flying bird that flew near the cloud, until it disappeared into the sun. I closed my eyes and saw myself flying into the white mist of the cloud. I was in the cloud. I was certain. I opened my eyes to see the world beneath me and I became blinded by the sun and closed my eyes again. I felt myself melding into its light. I felt suspended in air as I laid there. I later opened my eyes and got up off the ground. I believed I was invincible. I looked up at the cloud overhead and stared at the sun and sky as familiar places I had just visited. My eyes were filled with dazzling light. My mind and body were rested. I heard a melody in my mind and began to whistle the tune, and heard the sound of the song become real.

I have not forgotten that afternoon. I have recalled the memory many times. That experience made me understand the power of my own creation. I am convinced that all people can be invincible, but the human mind places limitations on itself, that the human spirit must not accept.

L.A. STEEL