ANXIETY

ANXIETY
9/17/07

I recently got spam mailed a self help, feel good , kiss your kids before they go to bed , rid all your fears by becoming a member, for 10 dollars a month, scam. I found out that I have lived my entire life not realizing I suffer from depression and anxiety, according to this spam mail mental health message . I never knew all the symptoms until I read them in the spam message. I have never known anyone who wasn’t depressed at one time or another, and suffered from the same symptoms I have. I always thought I was reasonably well adjusted; until I read the symptoms of Depression and Anxiety.

I have to confess I often don’t feel very well or jovial, if I receive bad news, or someone dies, or I just lost my wallet, or I have to change a flat tire. I never thought it was a psychological disease if I suddenly got anxious about something. I remember in my early 20s; when I had just bought my first house. I was married and had a corporate job, commuted 45 minutes each way to work, (in good traffic) , drank too much , ate too much, suffered from heartburn and headaches, and I had a demanding job over looking insurance agencies for a major insurance company. One fateful day I discovered a large fraud going on by several major insurance agencies, amounting to millions of dollars of fraudulent insurance policies and premium payments.

I had been at the job for about a year, and had been given several raises and awards; until I discovered something I wasn’t suppose to discover. Being the honest boy scout that I was , I brought my findings to my department head . I thought he was innocent , and a” good company man”, but I knew a few heads always have to be sacrificed when the sh-t hits the perverbial fan. Usually the “good company men and women”; who find the problems, get their heads cut off first. This fraud happened to be very big, very dirty, and very well hidden for several years, and reached right up to the Presidents and CEOs of some of the largest insurance agencies in the country. Anxiety and depression took hold of me that day, and wouldn’t let go for quite a while.

I watched the reactions of my department head as he reviewed my findings. His face became drawn and pale . I asked him if he was all right, and he replied, “No”. He suddenly rose from his chair and told me he needed someone else to come into the office to discuss the problem. Up until this moment he and I were friends. He had given me three raises in one year, and placed me on a fast track program for management. I was an eccentric kind of golden boy, who most people in the company liked. “A kid with a future”, they would say.

The department head brought in his fast track, managment trainee, who was assigned to the department for one year. She had a degree in accounting and business management, I was still working on my Bachelors degree , going to school nights to finish it off. He wanted her to go over my accounts carefully, and find out if what I had discovered was real, and if any other agencies were involved . Also to find out where the trail led to in the company. She realized the significance of her assignment as she reviewed my findings, and said, “This could be really big.” We all knodded agreeing, but with reserved anxiety. I didn’t know that my first bout with severe depression and anxiety was to come soon. The days of my corporate, fast track to management were near an end. I was about to suffer the crash and burn of my early corporate career .

It didn’t take long before I saw the handwriting on the wall. Three or four private meetings with the Dept. Head and his managment trainee after she reviewed my accounts. She would ask me what my communications with the agencies were, who I contacted , who I had lunch with, how did I discover the problem. It was a deposition without a lawyer. I was completely innocent of any wrong doing and they knew it, but the paper work implicated a lot of other people far more important than I was. I was suddenly the most important peon in the company. I was invited to meet with the Sr. VP of operations, and have home office meetings with internal auditing and security. This particular insurance company was and is one of the largest in the world.

After several weeks of this non stop suspicion and corporate investigation, which all started from my stumbling onto something I shouldn’t have, during a three martini lunch with an agency’s business manager. At that meeting he handed me a $100,000 dollar check for an outstanding commercial premium; which I proved the agency had collected , but had not paid to the company. We both overstepped ourselves that day,believing we had both done our jobs well; but that $100,000 was supposed to have been buried in a sea of paper work and numbers, that no one was ever suppose to find. No one, until I found it. Finding that trail opened up several new channels for investigation, and I found the same problem existed with several other major national agencies, that were my assigned accounts. As this information became known in my department and around the company , everyone who had any involvement with these agencies were called in for questioning and placed under internal investigation. All the smiles and happy greetings I had been use to receiving; suddenly turned into cold stares and silent responses to my hellos.

Depression and Anxiety are not always as debilitating as they are described to be; especially if someone who has them, doesn’t know what they are. Being a niave , yet serious, twenty three year old kid, with what many said were admirable ambitions, I thought everything would work out and I’d be promoted . Instead I was isolated, questioned, interogated and left to squirm at my desk; as my accounts were being scrutinized by internal security auditors. I was left out of the loop, and assigned idle paper work. I told my Dept. Head I wanted to take a week off . He agreed . I had just bought a house a month before this all happened, and needed time to do some work on it. I was suffering from Depression and Anxiety both at the same time , but I thought it was just sheer panic.

The week off was anxiety driven, I virtually demolished the interior of the house and rebuilt it. I can’t remember ever having as much physical energy again, as I had during that week. I would start work at 7:00am and end at 9 or 10 pm. I would stay awake worrying and watching television for several hours; until I fell asleep, and started working again the next morning. I didn’t want to think about anything; other than remodeling my new house. For that entire week I hadn’t heard from anyone at the company. No calls , this was before answering machines , computers or fax machines. It’s almost impossible to imagine today, how slow communications were back in the 1970’s. It’s was a blessing not to know what was happening. I knew I had done nothing wrong, and had nothing to worry about, but I also knew it was always the innocent, and the honest people; that got hurt in these situations, and the first to lose their jobs.

When I got back to work the following week, everyone in the department seemed friendly , and happy to see me. That morning I was called into a meeting with the Dept. Head ; who smiled somewhat relieved, as I entered the office. He told me that my accounts had been scrutinized while I was away, and they found a lot of problems, but the problems stemmed back before I worked for the company, and no one was blaming me, but I made a name for myself, and also made a few powerful enemies. He reassigned me to several small agencies and told me I wouldn’t be handling any of my old accounts; until the investigation was complete. He also said I had been taken off the fast track program , and he would try to get me back on when the audit was over. I knew that was the death of my career with that company. It was time to look for another job.

My department head said the internal auditors were now investigating upper management’s activities regarding these agencies. He said my discovery hadn’t made any friends for me in the upper management of the company. The following afternoon I was called to the Regional General Manager’s office. I was told that he wanted to speak with me , right away but they didn’t say what it was about. I thought it might be the kiss of death. Anxiety came over me . I went to the men’s room and washed my face and hands to calm down; then my heart started racing. I hadn’t had any breakfast that morning, and had drank three cups of black coffee. What was simple gas I diagnosed as chest pains, or a heart attack. I knew I was freaking out. I thought of leaving the building, and going home telling everyone I got violently sick. I stayed in the men’s room for nearly 20 minutes until I calmed down, and decided to go to the General Manager’s office. As I slowly walked to the elevators, I began to freak out again. All I thought of was that I had just bought a house, I had a car payment, my wife wouldn’t understand my getting fired, and I had less than a thousand dollars in the bank. If I lost my job, I might lose everything. The thought of being ruined at the ripe old age of twenty three sounds ridiculous now,but it was a real cause for great anxiety and depression then. I got into the elevator and pressed the button for the fifteenth floor.

I don’t know if my anxiety had an effect on what was about to happen , and that I had made the General Manager wait over half an hour for me to show up, but as I got into the elevator heading towards the 15th floor I braced myself and calmed down. I thought that whatever happened it wouldn’t kill me. It might screw up my life a bit, but it wouldn’t kill me, and I was ready to meet my fate. As I got off the elevator I was stopped by a paramedic and a policeman who were clearing the way to the elevator , and two other paramedics were carrying someone out on a gurney. I looked to see the person they were carrying out, and I recognized him, it was the General Manager. His eyes were closed, and no one was giving him oxygen or moving quickly . Someone standing next to me said he had died of a heart attack in his office, minutes earlier. No one could revive him.

This is a true story. The General Manager was under investigation, no one knew why he had called me to his office. I was not fired, I was just ignored. Within a few weeks after the death of the General Manager, the shock wore off, and the company returned to normal. I had found another job , and handed in my resignation to the Department Head. He read it and said , “You don’t have to leave.” I said; I’m not going anywhere in the company if I stay, am I ?” He smiled,and said , he didn’t think he was going anywhere either, and wished me good luck. I gave a two week notice and took the last week as paid vacation. I started my new job the following week , in a different field as a salesman . I never wanted to work in insurance again.

Ever since that episode in my life I don’t take things so seriously anymore. Everything works out if you keep a cool head, don’t panic, and work through it. The General Manager didn’t make it. Many people don’t make it. I’ve had friends who couldn’t handle the stress in their lives, and died at a young age,or became ill because of stress. I do not accept Depression and Anxiety as a disablity in my life. Everyone gets depressed, or anxious at some time in their lives, it’s normal, it’s being human, it’s what we are. If we say we will get through it , and believe that we can and will, then we will get through it, but only if we truly want to.

L.A. STEEL