BEGINNING WHERE WE LEFT OFF
10/12/07
New beginnings are the results of leaving something behind. When I begin a new project, or a new avenue of thought that I hope will transform my life in some positive way , I always begin where I last ended. Whatever my last thought was before I begin a new beginning , is the thought that seems to have carried me through the threshold of a new discovery. It doesn’t have to be a profound thought, nor does it have to be divinely inspired; instead it is a progression of a thought or thoughts, that culminate into a significant action.
My father once stated to me; that he didn’t like to forecast or announce what his plans for the future were . He said; that when he was in his twenties he had told many people that he was going to do many great things with his life. When they didn’t happen, he was very embarassed. He learned that keeping his private ambitions to himself prevented further embarassment, and prevented false hopes in others. I took his advice to heart and seldom told anyone of my ambitions. What I did was carry out my plans quietly,until they came to fruition. My friends and family said they never understood what I was thinking. They seemed convinced that since I never spoke of my ambitions, I didn’t have any. My father did understand, but would often wonder what my ambitions were. When he questioned me about them, I would remind him of what he said to me about keeping my great ambitions quiet until I achieved them. He would laugh and say, “That’s all well and good, but sooner or later your big ideas have to produce something.”
My father passed away 17 years ago. I had achieved success before he died, and he was satisfied; that my ambitions materialized and I was successful in my own business. Luck and hardwork, produced my success, but it didn’t really produce happiness. It didn’t produce what I was truely seeking. What I was seeking was an outlet to communicate, and establish my self confidence and success, in any and all areas I wished to pursue. My father was a cautious man, perhaps too cautious, and he would warn me that I might be pushing too hard, or reaching too far. In hindsight he was right. I was reaching too far, and pushing to hard, believing in an expediant career and in people; that would eventually seriously disappoint me. My unexpected fate however, led me to the threshold of a new beginnng.
I am opposed to blaming anyone for my disappointments. I’ve had enough time to think about them and I only blame myself. I was blindly ambitious, foolish, and vain, neglectful of others feelings, and dangerously indifferent to the ambitions of others. My goals always came first to me. I ignored the goals of others closest to me, believing that if I achieved my own , then theirs would be achieved as well. I candidly believed they would share in my success, and be happy. How conceited I was. How foolish I was to believe; that what I wanted was everything, and all sacrifices I made to achieve it were valid and rational excuses to continue to pursue my ambitions. My niavity cost me dearly, and my life changed significantly; since my father last congratulated me on my achievements. If I had followed my true desire, as I am now , I wouldn’t have pushed myself into an expedient career, or got caught up in empty obsessions , of acquiring more money, more power, and more material possessions. I now understand the cost of not being true to myself. I ignored the warning signs of eminent dangers. I ignored who I was, and who I had become, to acquire something that I could never own. All I sought was merely an illusion, a fantasy, a mirage , and desparate dream. I denied my talent, true hunger, and thirst, for the poor substitute of a salesman’s prepackaged, well marketed, illusion of success.
It is difficult to begin a new beginning. It takes great thought , courage and conviction. It also takes the abandonment of the past, and an embracing of the present, and understanding that the past no longer exists, if it ever did. The past is as an illusion, remembered differently by all who were a part of the memories. The past is like a thunder cloud heard in the distance . It soon disipates. It’s rain, and wind, and lightening flashes, are memories once they pass. The destruction and losses it may cause are left as part of a new day; that must be abandoned, or made new. Somethings are not worth remaking, others are . It is up to the individual who has suffered the effects of the storm, to decide what to do. I have abandoned many memories and remade others. I am alive and healthy, and appreciate my blessings. I have begun a new beginning, and strive to be happy, and honest with myself every moment that I exist. I consider the needs of others. I consider the condition of the world around me. I consider the sorrows,sacrifices, hardships and cruelties, everyone in the world endures. But I am more concerned with the joy , happiness, love, and hope that exists in the world, and I strive to create more of these. Everyone creates themselves each moment they exist. We create images of an ellusive past, or illusions of a distant future. What so many of us fail to understand, is that we are our own creation, and we only exist in the present.
L.A. Steel
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