STAYING POSITIVE
3/15/07
I like circus clowns. I like their painted on smiles. If I could paint a permanent smile on my face I wonder if it would keep me happy? I have tried everything else I can think of to stay positive. It’s not the big things that bother me as much as it is the little things; that make me slide into a fit of rage or depression.
I get far more angry with myself than I do with anyone else. For instance, I was trying to replace a light fixture in a closet the other day. The fixture was at an awkward angle and about two inches higher than I was comfortable reaching. The closet ceiling was slanted because the closet was built under an eve. I began the project confidently, expecting to complete it within a few minutes ; until I realized that my flashlight wasn’t bright enough to see the connecting wires. An hour and a half later, after cursing myself into a permanent place in hell, I got the damned fixture up and working. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I had to stand in a half cramped position with the flashlight in my mouth, so I could hold the fixture with my other hand; while screwing in the tiny screws with a Phillips head screwdriver. I am 6 ft. 3 inches tall on a good day. I think I shrunk 8 inches that afternoon.
After I had the fixture up and working I was proud of my accomplishment. I pulled the string five or ten times turning the light bulb on and off, with a sense of defiance and victory over the demonic light fixture. I was so determined to get the fixture put up and working; that for an hour and a half I did nothing else, and thought about nothing else. I let my answering machine take all calls. I had become so angry at my own ineptitude as an electrician; that I continually cursed myself and the fixture’s manufacturer, for their making the fixture so difficult to install. I had worked myself into a living hell in that dark narrow closet. I became totally oblivious to the world outside. I was in a torturous physical position, with inadequate light from a narrow flashlight I was holding in my mouth; while I tried to direct the fading light on the fixture to connect the wires. A simple job for most people, turned into a nightmare of irrational anger and frustration for me.
I had been foolish to attempt the job without the proper tools or without the proper attitude. Once I finished the project and gloated with defiance over the demonic light fixture, I realized I had several important calls on my answering machine. My dog; who had been whining desperately to go outdoors , relieved himself on the floor near the front door.
My closet light works well. I grew back the 8 inches I had shrunk in height and I haven’t been quite as mad at anything since then. I learned something that day about me and my anger. I have to stop working myself into a frothing rage and fits of anxiety, by trying to fit square pegs into round holes. I now take a little precaution and planning before I tackle other household maintenance projects. I have established three rules that I follow. First: I will do only what I know I can do. Second: I make sure I have the right tools for the job. Third: For any job I am physically or mentally incapable of doing; I will hire an expert.
I have accepted the fact that I have certain limitations. I know my anger has a boiling point. I know if I reach that boiling point I will become temporarily insane. I know that aside from painting a permanent smile on my face; which would be another obvious sign of insanity, I must find other ways to avoid getting too angry. The best way I’ve found is to not take myself too seriously. That way if I am criticized, or caught in a closet with a flashlight in my mouth, or just pissed off at the world, I remember how ridiculous I can be; when I get too angry. I know how easy it is to be tortured in a hell of my own making.
L.A. STEEL
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